I’m in a bit of a quandary. I’ve come up with the main idea for the “Christe” to my Mass in a and for the third movement to my Quintette in e for piano and strings. But, as I try to figure out how do develop these ideas, I think to myself: “Why bother? Why am I wasting my time composing? Nobody is interested in my music. In my lifetime only one other person has thought my music good enough to perform.”

I’m approaching the last few decades of my life (if I’m lucky) and nobody, NOBODY else has expressed enough interest — or considered me good enough — to give my music a hearing. Oh, I’ve had a few tell me how good my pieces are; but, they lie. Yes, lie. Because, for some inscrutable reason they just can’t find a way of actually performing my work. And God forbid that they find it worthy enough to pass on to a colleague or student or friend. And when I inquire, boy musicians are the best at excuses.

Then there are those who say how much they would like to see/hear a piece. Okay, I send it to them — crickets. Is it really that bad that it doesn’t deserve a response?

It’s not as if my music is inaccessible. I’ve given the website to it (https://mpropinc.wordpress.com) and the PDFs are easy to download, and it doesn’t cost anything. I’m literally giving my music away so that it simply can be heard.

So, why should I bother? AND PLEASE don’t give me that BS about the act of composing is its own reward, or that one composes because one “has” to do so. That may have worked forty years ago; but, there’s a point of diminishing returns with that crap, especially from those either don’t compose or have been successfully published and performed. The disingenuousness is just a little hollow. And that disingenuousness is why music friends — aren’t.